Personality, the scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs kind.

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The thing about personality is that either you have it or you don’t. And if there’s one thing I learned about weighing a modest five pounds (when I haven’t just eaten half a lemon meringue pie, as that tends to skew the result) it’s that you have to have personality, the scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs kind. In my case I reckon my plumage accounts for most of the measurable mass, and that I’d very nearly be massless without it, which has dire implications for the expansion/contraction of the universe argument. But these measurements, like life itself, are all very speculative—for instance, just how much can a bit of cartilage weigh? And bones the size of toothpicks certainly don’t register on any scale I know of—let’s face it, I don’t live at CERN (and the particle accelerator next to my water bowl is made of cheap plastic and probably a fake); I just live in a plain dog house, equipped with a sauna, two large screen televisions, and Mr. Frisky, a megalomanic armadillo, stuffed lovingly by Chinese factory hands with the plushest gossamer, bearing a chewed-off ear, like a cross, probably the result of some guerrilla war, most likely the brutal campaign fought against toy store owners in the 1980s—you must recall it. I wasn’t yet born at the time, but then again who was?

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4 Comments

  1. You are much too much of a word person to be living at CERN anyway. They suffer from acronym anachronism, based probably on a deep-seated fear of dipthongs.
    I like your style….but what will you claim next? That you can travel faster than light?

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    • Even neutrinos do not travel faster than light. Shame, really: I had such high hopes for the tiniest-of-tiny particle. It’s the darling of subatomic particles and deserves, in my considered opinion, to have it’s own little dog house in the cosmos.

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  2. Personality to spare!

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  3. Frisky personality – poised and ready to chase! Game on ~ hopefully the cosmos doghouse is ready to go.

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